i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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