i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
