sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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