you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
