the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
