alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
