hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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