Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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