i dedicated my morning wood to you.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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