we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
