If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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