I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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