he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
