I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
