his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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