this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
