Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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