Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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