that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
