My cat gives me a boner
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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