His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize