you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
