I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
