my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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