Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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