my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
