I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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