please come you make the beer taste better
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
