Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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