Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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