I just saw a hot homeless man
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
