I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
