I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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