I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
