i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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