For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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