I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize