I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
