What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
