Need sex. Gaining weight.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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