Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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