U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
