I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
