I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
