don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
