Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
