and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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