fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
