my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
