God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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