i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
