Taylor Swift is so right about you.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Michael Bay diarrhea
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
