One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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