i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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