I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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