saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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