I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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