I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
