I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
